i get by with a little help...

So yesterday marked a month since I returned to the US of A and in the past week I've been thinking a lot about the experience. It's something I think about a lot anyway because it's very much a part of me at this point, but I mean that I recently started thinking even more about it. I have already said before that my study abroad experience - though incredible and something I am extremely glad I did - was pretty tough for me being so far away from the people I love aka you who still read this blog despite how long I've been back.

When I was in those moods of missing people a lot while in Cape Town, I was thankfully still able to talk to some people due to the miracles of technology. Without being able to talk to my closest friends, I think I would've had even more trouble getting through my study abroad experience. There's no way I'm going to let "what if _____ happened differently" take over my thinking, what happened has already happened and there's no changing it. Instead I am making sure to look back on all those months in Africa positively and considering what it did for me as a person. I learned a lot about myself in those months and I also learned a bit about the world, or at least the corner of it where I was.

Besides those people who helped me (and I am thankful for them to an extent that they can't necessarily appreciate) I had something else to help me through the days. Since I got to college, my mom has bought me a daily calendar every year, usually one with inspirational quotes. This year the calendar is called "Believing in Ourselves" and has quotes from famous women everywhere. Well I took the days that I would be in South Africa with me from the day I arrived in Cape Town (the same day as my 21st birthday if you recall) until June 13th, the day of my return to America. I don't remember when this brainwave hit me, but I decided that the quotes that I really liked, I would tape onto my door and see just how much of it I could cover before I left. As I packed up my stuff during those last few days, I took them all off my door (not before taking a picture ) and I wanted to share those quotes that got me through the hardest times with you. Enjoy.

• January 28 (first day) - "What we truly and earnestly aspire to be, that in some sense we are. The mere aspiration, by changing the frame of the mind, for the moment realizes itself." ~Anna Jameson
• "My father said there were two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better." ~Marlo Thomas
• "The greatest science in the world, in heaven and on earth, is love." ~Mother Teresa
• "Happiness is something that comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open." ~Rose Wilder Lane
• "Character--the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life--is the source from which self-respect springs." ~ Joan Didion
• "I still believe in Hope--mostly because there's no such place as Fingers Crossed, Arkansas." ~Molly Ivins
• "There is no greater calling than service to others. And there is no better way to have your blessings multiply." ~Oprah Winfrey
• "We are each of us angels with only one wing, to fly we need only embrace each other." ~Jessamyn West
• "Feeling insecure is good for you. It forces you to do something better, drives you to use all your talents." ~Helen Gurley Brown
• "We're here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark." ~Whoopi Goldberg
• "Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit, and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these." ~Susan B. Anthony
• "I get out my work and have a show for myself before I have it publicly. I make up my own mind about it--how good or bad or indifferent it is. After that the critics can write what they please. I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free." ~Georgia O'Keeffe
• "Everything that happens to you if a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth." ~Iyanla Vanzant
• "Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good, behave yourself, and never mind the rest." ~Beatrix Potter
• "Our response to an event is more important than the event itself." ~Angeles Arrien
• "A No. 2 pencil and a dream can take you anywhere." ~Joyce A. Meyers
• "I have never met a person whose greatest need was anything other than real, unconditional love...There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame that heats our soul, energizes our spirit, and supplies passion to our lives." ~Elizabeth Kübler-Ross
• "To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth...is potentially to have everything." ~Joan Didion
• "Just watch, all you men. I'll show you what a woman can do...I'll go across the country, I'll race to the moon...I'll never look back." ~Edna Gardner Whyte
• "I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness." ~Drew Barrymore
• "The boughs of no two trees ever have the same arrangement. Nature always produces individual; she never produces classes." ~Lydia Maria Child
• "Integrity can be neither lost nor concealed nor faked nor quenched nor artificially come by nor outlived, nor, I believe, in the long run, denied." ~Eudora Welty
• "I am speaking now of the highest duty we owe our friends, the noblest, the most sacred--that of keeping their own nobleness, goodness pure and incorrupt...If we let our friend become cold and selfish and exacting without a remonstrance, we are no true lover, no true friend." ~Harriet Beecher Stowe
• "Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathy with despised and persecuted ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences." ~Susan B. Anthony
• "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." ~Marie Curie
• "A woman has got to be able to say, and not feel guilty, 'Who am I, and what do I want out of life?'" ~Betty Friedan
• "Be gentle to all and stern with yourself." ~St. Teresa of Avila
• "You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." ~Jo Coudert
• "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us." ~Marianne Williamson
• "Love never reasons but profusely gives: gives like a thoughtless prodigal its all, and trembles lest it has done too little." ~Hannah Moore
• "Every day the path to your own spirituality starts with clarifying who you are and what you want. Not just things--things are easy. I mean the stuff that really matters. Life isn't just about what you can have; it's about what you have to give. What kind of person do you want to be?" ~Oprah Winfrey
• "God stirs up our comfortable nests, and pushes us over the edge of them, and we are forced to use our wings to save ourselves from fatal falling. Read your trials in this light, and see if your wings are being developed." ~Hannah Whitehall Smith
• "The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now." ~Angelina Jolie
• "Insane people are always sure that they're fine. It's only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." ~Nora Ephron
• "When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out." ~Elizabeth Bowen
• "There is only one history of any importance, and it is the history of what you once believed in, and the history of what you came to believe in." ~Kay Boyle
• "If ambition doesn't hurt you, you haven't got it." ~Kathleen Norris
• "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." ~Victoria Holt
• "One of the things my parents taught me, and I'll always be grateful for the gift, is to not ever let anybody else define me." ~Wilma Mankiller
• "The truth about your own life is not always easy to accept and sometimes hasn't even occurred to you." ~Anna Quindlen
• "Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." ~Nora Ephron
• "The good is the greatest rival of the best." ~Nellie L. McClung
• "What I spent, is gone; what I kept, I lost; but what I gave away will be mine forever." ~Ethel Percy Andrus
• "We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light." ~Mary Dunbar
• "Don't tolerate me as different. Accept me as part of the spectrum of normalcy." ~Ann Northrop
• "In each of us there are places we have never gone. Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them" ~Dr. Joyce Brothers
• "The human heart, at whatever age, opens only to the heart that opens in return." ~Maria Edgeworth
• "Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze." ~Elinor Glyn
• "If your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another, before you do anything, you should first decide whether you have a better head or a better heart." ~Marilyn vos Savant
• "The most important thing one woman can do for another is to illuminate and expand her sense of actual possibilities." ~Adrienne Rich
• "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." ~Rita Mae Brown
• "You either have to be first, best, or different." ~Loretta Lynn
• "To live and let live, without clamor for distinction or recognition; to wait on divine love; to write truth first on the tablet of one's own heart--this is the sanity and perfection of living, and my human ideal." ~Mary Baker Eddy
• "You should always know when you're shifting gears in life. You should leave your era; it should never leave you." ~Leontyne Price
• "The life you have led doesn't need to be the only life you have." ~Anna Quindlen
• "Being doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand--and melting like a snowflake." ~Maria Beynon Ray
• "I have learned not to worry about love, but to honor its coming with all my heart." ~Alice Walker
• June 12 (last day in Cape Town) - "When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind, and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power." ~Phyllis Bottome
• June 13 (return home) - "The more clearly we can focus our attention on the wonders and realities of the universe about us, the less taste we shall have for destruction." ~Rachel Carson

There was one last quote that I actually gave away to a friend before we left because it said something about how "people make the place" which is undoubtedly true. The people I did meet and befriend in Africa made the place for me and now being home, the people I have here make this the place for me to be. I could be happy anywhere in the world as long as I am with the ones I love, I'm certain of that now.

And so to all of you people who helped me through my study abroad experience, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could not have done it without you. It is strange to think that the next group of CIEE kids going to Cape Town are -at this moment - almost there and will be arriving in the next 24 hours to begin an adventure I have already gone through. However, I know that for right now, I am where I belong.

there's no place like home

It’s the First of July. This means that this is the first day of my first full month of 2009 in America. Haha. Well I guess that’s not too significant but I’ve tried blogging a couple times since I got back but it’s been a whirlwind and each time I was going to write it was a week since I left/got back, 5 months since I left America/arrived in Africa. All those dates had at least some significance and now that I finally get to sit down and write for a bit, today’s date has little significance but I wanted to give it some.

Aaaanyway, enough of my babbling. Let’s see. That last time I wrote, I was still studying for my Thursday final so those days were fairly uneventful. However, after that final (which wasn’t as terrifying as I had expected so I’m crossing my fingers for a decent grade), I realized that it was Thursday afternoon, I was leaving Cape Town in close to 30 hours and had SO much I still wanted to do. After some shopping and running around seeing people, I went out to dinner that night with my house in town before going to Hemisphere which was packed with CIEE people. It reminded me a lot of our first Thursday night in Cape Town and was funny how things went almost full circle. We all danced and partied until it was pretty early and the club started slowing down a lot. After a little trouble with our cab driver, everyone got back to their house/res safely.

Once back at my house, I wasn’t ready for bed so I made the last package of mac and cheese my mom had sent me, showered, and then packed until 6am as my housemates trickled back as well. This might seem strange considering how I was exhausted before we left Hemisphere, but as I started thinking about how I was leaving in less than 24 hours, I started to get extremely anxious and couldn’t sleep. It was a combination of trepidation about the long trip ahead, sadness about leaving, and excitement/nerves of going home after such a long time in another country, particularly one like South Africa. I don’t know if there was any one emotion that prevailed over the others but when I thought about all the changes I would go through in the next day and a half it was so overwhelming. There’s something about “reverse culture shock” that makes it almost harder than any kind of “culture shock”.

I woke up at 10am on Friday because there were a bunch of last minute things I wanted to do and our taxi to the airport was picking us up at 5pm. Probably a bad idea that I kept a mental hourly countdown but it was a bit necessary so I knew I could accomplish all that I wanted to before I had to be back at my house completely packed. First I went into Cape Town to Greenmarket Square for the last time to pick up some final things including (finally) a drum, which I had wanted to get all semester. Of course this made for a very interesting packing experience since I wanted it to go in my carry-on, but I managed somehow to get it through. Then I went into Rondebosch to get some Cocoa Wah-wah cookies, a UCT sweatshirt, and saw lots of people I wanted to say goodbye to. Lastly, I walked for the last time all the up to Upper Campus and since this last week wasn’t the rainy wintery weather of Cape Town but just about as nice as when we first arrived, it was a very nice walk.

Before I knew it, I was dropping off my cell phone, packing up my final things, and in a cab to Cape Town International. There were a bunch of people on this flight from our program which was nice because we were all just hanging out in the terminal together before our flight to London. From there we all split in different directions but since Mel and I booked our tickets together, we still had that flight to Newark where she had only one more flight to catch and where I would greet my family after being away for almost 5 months. I sat with Mel on both flights which was really good for both of us, we both needed to be comforted at times but for completely opposite reasons.

The flight from Cape Town to London for me was (besides a long 12 hours) pretty uneventful. It was late but I couldn’t sleep again so I only dozed with the hope that I would eventually fall asleep and even though that didn’t happen, I wasn’t too tired as we got in to Heathrow. Once through security, a group of us found a place to sit for a while before our flights started leaving again. Ours left first but we all avoided talking about that and just discussed being in Cape Town and America, not thinking about how we were in limbo between places. Suddenly it was time to board and it was just me and Mel like how it had started all those months ago. Just as we were taking off (which is my favorite thing about flying) it occurred to me that the next time I set foot on the ground, I would be home and that thought gave me just a few tears of happiness. Africa was amazing but home is home. A quote from Juno that I really like and certainly took on a new meaning recently is, “I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.”

Even though the flight from London to Newark was shorter, for some reason it felt longer. I got up to walk around a lot as the butterflies in my stomach wouldn’t let me relax, when we had less than an hour to go I was shaking a bit with the anticipation of finally seeing my parents and my sister. We got closer, went through the clouds, and suddenly I could see Newark in all its grossness and even part of the NYC skyline in the distance. I thought my face would break from smiling so hard, but all I could think was how my family was already there in that terminal waiting for me. After customs, baggage claim (where both my bags went through ::whew:: relief), a quick forced goodbye with Mel, and a couple nice people trying to help me with my bags, my mom was hugging me and then my sister and my dad. Africa suddenly seemed a long long time ago.

Since that tearful reunion, I’ve fallen back into somewhat of a routine here at home. Relearning how to drive on the right side of the road was tricky. I’m still getting used to the dollar, I think about the rand equivalent and it depresses me a bit. I’ve started my summer job after enjoying summer for two weeks but it hasn’t really been summer since it’s been as rainy as Cape Town in the winter. People ask me about Africa a lot and I still have trouble summarizing it in just a short conversation because it’s not that simplistic, it was a very intense few months filled with many learning experiences. I’m actually writing this post not for anyone else but because I used this blog almost like a journal for so long and it felt incomplete.

I hope to one day return to Cape Town and to travel around more of Africa. There’s still so much to see and learn. It seems like a bit of a lame ending to all this but that’s because this was only really the start of my journey and I can’t wait to embrace what my future holds. Going back to berg for my senior year is going to be an adventure and what will follow that I don’t know. I don’t think I’m ready for it yet, but when it comes, I will be.

With love, from America, from Home,
Sarah

Home - 1:20 pm
Cape Town - 7:20 pm

down to the wire

Hello all. I think this may end up being my last actually thought out blog post from South Africa. I really only have 3 more days here (which is INSANE) and one of those days, Thursday, I have a final in the middle of the day. Let’s see…

Last week after I wrote, I hung out with my housemates and we had some drinks before going to a club in Claremont called 91 on Main or Club 91, something like that. It only recently opened which is why I hadn’t heard of it until which was definitely too bad, it was really nice; had great music, lots of areas to sit and relax, drinks weren’t too expensive, what more could you ask for? It was a lot of fun being out with them too because early the next day half of them left to go traveling since they’re all done with finals and they won’t be back until this Thursday. So our house has been half empty the past few days which is kind of sad but I guess it’s all just leading up to this Friday but let’s not talk about that yet.

On Friday night I ended up staying in with the people left in the house and we baked cookies. After just a slight overlook with how runny the dough was so that our first batch flattened out and just covered the pan, we added more flour and tried it again. Those came out good and what had covered the pan we scraped off and was actually pretty good too. So that was a fun night, funny how that’s what I spent my last Friday night in Cape Town doing.

I had talked to Mel about going to the Old Biscuit Mill on Saturday and I lucked out because she wanted to go, I didn’t want to go to Woodstock by myself, it’s a bit of a shady area. I had heard a lot about the mill and had wanted to go for a while but it just never worked out. Since it was our last Saturday I really wanted to go and I’m so glad we did, it was great. The mill is split up into sections, there are boutiques and art gallery kind of places where there are fancy and expensive brand name clothes, jewelry, bags, etc. My favorite section though was an area that was a permanent tent-like structure packed with food venders. They pretty much all had samples and there was so much of everything – fresh organic fruits and veggies, bread, cheese, dips, desserts, waffles, sushi, tea, honey, and on and on. We went around and tried samples of everything we were allowed to and then got hummus and pita for a snack. I almost wish every day until we leave was Saturday (that’s the only day the mill is open) so we could go back but at least I did get to go once.

After that, I went with Mel back to her bf place where we had the hummus and pita, watched TV, listened to music, and just talked. We left in the late afternoon to go back to our respective living places but went back there for dinner. He made an African dish of mostly beans and fried plantains with some rice too. Simple but really yummy. We were there for a while just hanging out and talking about lots of things including HIV/AIDS, interracial couples, and other things. It was great to be able to have an intimate conversation about these topics between the 3 of us all being different people with different experiences. Eventually they went out to a club while dropping me off at my house on the way. The rest of the night I ended up on Faith's bedroom floor talking for around 2 hours about lots of different things which was an enjoyable little spurt of bonding.

Sunday morning I decided to go to Faith’s church with her which was a great experience as always. The beauty of the music and faith of everyone there still moves me and I’m glad I had the opportunity to be able to take part in something that holds such a heavy weight in African society. Religion is a big deal for most Africans that I’ve encountered and I can understand why having gone to their services. It is very unfortunate that I didn’t get the opportunity to go to a synagogue except for that Passover Seder back in April. There are a couple reasons for this but the main one is that it is unwise to travel on your own at night in Cape Town and I didn’t want to go to a Saturday service. There were many times where I tried to get together with some people to go to a Friday night service but between timing and my general insecurities, it always fell through and I didn’t pursue it which I sincerely regret. It was something that I had been really excited to experience while I was here.

I had hoped that joining the Jewish organization on campus would help me to get in touch with the Jewish students at UCT but for the semester it ended up doing – literally – nothing. All the activities I heard they were hosting were at another university in Jo’burg. Though the fact that there is a kosher cafeteria on campus says that there is obviously enough people that needed it so that it was created, the Jewish student body is completely immersed in the rest of the students. Many people don’t even know about the existence of the Jewish cafeteria and if they do, they often don’t know where it is but only that it exists.

My professor for A History of Antisemitism also wrote a book on antisemitism in South Africa. We didn’t really elaborate on the topic in class but from what I understand, there was a lot of prejudice against Jews for a long time, some of it still carrying over to today. It’s a topic I hope to look into more and I’m disappointed in myself for not taking a more pro-active role in finding out more about the community while I’m here. I definitely take berg’s active Jewish student body for granted in that it is so easy to get involved; I am truly looking forward to returning to that community in the fall.

Since then I have been spending time trying to see people, doing a lot of personal reflection, slowly starting to pack, and occasional studying haha. While I don’t mean to seem like a complete slacker, I could get a 3 and still pass the class (that’s a 3% on the final). So I guess I just don’t have that much motivation. I did exceptionally well in both my seminars (an 81 in Sex, Soaps, and Social Change and a 77 in Branding which are A/A+ grades) which counted for 50% of each of my Comm classes.

One thing I am certain of is that berg is the perfect school for me. UCT has very different teaching and grading techniques and combining that with the large, impersonal lecture classes where I don’t feel inspired to contribute, I know that the small, liberal arts school was definitely the right choice for me. I felt insignificant in the classes where we would have different lecturers every few weeks who would simply talk at us for 45 minutes before disappearing and being extremely hard for me to get in touch with, even via e-mail. I’m sure that many people like/are used to this kind of an education and I’m not saying that it’s bad, it just doesn’t work well with me and how I enjoy learning. There are probably people on my program who didn’t have these issues, but I’m just looking at it from my standpoint.

The next few days will be mostly studying, packing, going around Cape Town, and saying goodbyes. To everyone who actually spent the time to follow my South Africa “adventure”, it really meant a lot to me. Especially as I struggled with not having my family and friends here with me, it was so wonderful to know that no matter where I am in the world, there are people who care about me. So I thank you all very much for that. I have been getting slowly more and more bummed about leaving this place but knowing that I am going home to all of you makes it a little easier. I have begun to think about the routine I fell into here and how strange it will be to go back to an old routine that should feel familiar but will be changed mostly because I have been changed.

Of one thing I am certain and it’s that I have been changed. Even though I don’t necessarily feel it right now, I know that I have, it was inevitable. Granted, my personality, values, and beliefs haven’t changed, but being here in this place for 4.5 months has given me new insight to just a corner of the world and even though technology is shrinking the world (i.e. you’re reading something that I’m writing in the early evening in Cape Town, South Africa while you are who knows where else in the world and what time it is) I feel that the world is actually even bigger than I thought before. There’s so much more to see and learn about and though I have no idea where my future will take me, I only hope that I will be able to go to other places and learn about their life and culture and maybe even come back to Cape Town again in my life.

All the best,
Sarah