the return

Having just finished my second week of classes of senior year, I have been taking a lot of time to think about this past year. So much has happened and it is almost impossible to do all the thoughts running through my head any justice...but obviously I'm going to try.

The return to berg the weekend before classes began wasn't quite as exciting as one might have expected. This is because I've been here four or five times over the summer both seeing people and moving my stuff into our house. The first time I saw the campus after all those months I could barely control my excitement, but this time it was kind of like, "Oh, ok. Yeah, I'm back." Seeing my friends again however, was exactly the level of excitement that I had expected. Although it could have potentially been perceived as annoying, every time I saw someone that I hadn't seen yet, a squeal of happiness usually involuntarily issued from my mouth and I would run to hug whichever friend it was. After being away from all these people for so many months, I simply couldn't control how great it felt to see them.

Though I was and am very glad to be back, I have however, been having periodic pangs of missing Cape Town - especially when Mel and I get together and start reminiscing. Being back though has been a fantastic time, I love walking around campus and particularly love, as I already said, seeing all my friends and even professors. My promise to make initial hugs last a few moments definitely was kept and my face hurt by the end of the weekend before classes began from smiling so much. Even now, I smile so much whether in classes, with my friends, or just walking around campus by myself.

Since those first few exciting days, it's been a real transition getting back here - every time I'm asked about Africa, I feel a wave of disbelief flood through me. How the hell am I supposed to sum up almost five months of my life in another country, particularly such a country as South Africa which carries such a stigma? My first words of choice when asked this tend to be "incredible", "amazing", "indescribable", or some other word along those lines. But after this, what do I say next? People tend to want to hear about "what is Africa like" and "where did you travel", you know, stories and such. These stories though are just a tip of the iceberg. How do I explain what it felt like walking up Table Mountain in the morning to get to campus? What it felt like taking the mini buses? What I thought about when we first drove past the townships? What I saw while I traveled? And also, what do people expect/want to know when they ask me that question? Everyone has this image of what Africa must be like but unless they've actually been there, this image is usually extremely different from what I saw on a daily basis. How do you answer the question "how was study abroad"? I haven't figured it out yet.

I miss Cape Town, and a lot more than I had expected. It's not that I don't want to be here because I know that I'm home. But even still, I'm home and in a place that is familiar, but somehow, it feels different. This aside, I genuinely wish there were aspects of my semester in Africa here in America. For example, I hardcore miss Cocoa Wah-wah cookies. On our last day I went and bought four of them. I froze and saved the last one to bring to school and last Thursday when Mel finally came to see our house, I warmed it up and we got to share my last piece of heaven from Africa with our friends. Food aside, I miss my friends, Choir for Africa, the variety of Cape Town (culture, people, etc), and the rand. I feel like I mentally compare everything to Cape Town, and oftentimes I even say those comparisons out loud, hopefully that hasn't been too annoying for my friends.

Besides all that, including the adjusting back to berg, I'm so happy with where I am in life right now. My classes are going well, a nice change from Africa where my classes were kinda eh. I love talking with my professors and feeling like they are truly interested in what I'm saying, that personable feeling is definitely something I love about berg, among other things. Walking down academic row, even though I don't know a lot of the underclassmen, seeing people I know and saying hello puts a smile on my face every time. Being back on campus also gives me the chance to get involved with my various activities again. Cape Town gave me a taste of different kinds of organizations and I really enjoyed some of them, particularly the volunteering and Choir for Africa. However, I missed hillel, APO, CAC, tour guiding and all the other things I'm involved with.

One thing that is still really weird about being back on campus is being a senior - there, I said it. It is definitely not something that I'm entirely thrilled with, there are too many implications, expectations, and assumptions that go along with being a senior in college. And I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for any of it. Especially because of not knowing what I want for the future. For example, I miss Africa and would love to go back. But I also have so many other places I'd love to travel. And then there's the question of when I'll even get to travel somewhere else again any time too.

Right now, there is a sense of being in limbo between many different places. Before I left to go abroad, I felt a certain sense of belonging on campus, a sense of confidence with where I was. Now that I'm back, although everything seems somewhat familiar, it also seems different. And although I keep trying to convince myself that it is because of the different people on campus, the construction and changes going on around campus, and such - the truth is, that I know that berg hasn't really changed that much, I'm the one who has changed.

Admitting that is pretty strange, but it also makes sense - even though I sometimes wish it didn't. This is where I find myself in limbo, mainly in the sense that I'm not certain of where I am at the moment. This confusion aside, I am actually still extremely happy. While walking around campus just last week, I actually said out loud to myself "Life is good". Nothing really turned out the way I expected, but everything about my life has been coming together so that I'm truly happy with where I am even though I know that studying abroad has made a permanent impression on my life.

So now, as I sit at my kitchen table listening to Mandoza and Mafikizolo while drinking some Two Oceans Shiraz, I think about how I am a direct result of studying abroad in Africa. My entire perspective on that continent has changed and who I am, though the same, has accommodated the things I learned about myself and picked up in the South Africa culture, to my American self. I have just added so many experiences to who I am, things that don't even have a name for they are experiences and mental images that cannot be put in pictures or words. While I anticipate the adjusting to take a lot more time, I will keep living day by day and enjoying the good things that life has chosen to throw my way.